the mungo conspiracy

On the morning news program at ABS-CBN, "Umagang Kay Ganda", one of the bangkang papel boys, the one who is now old enough to vote, revealed he voted for Noynoy Aquino. Yeba!  Congratulations Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, one of your scholars has  at least  learned something -- that we are not to be grateful for the things that actually belongs to us. So stop congratulating yourself for the "honest elections" and all the other crap achievements you are claiming for yourself. These things should be normal in the first place. But alright, I am letting it go, since you've only got about 24 hours left to congratulate yourself for a job well done. Might as well now greet yourself "advance happy birthday" too. 

A little past noon, somewhere in Cubao, and I found myself on one end of a pedestrian lane needing to get to other side. Right away, I thought to myself, this is as good as metaphors go in symbolizing what is wrong with our country. Total chaos. Pushing and shoving. Jeepneys, FX taxis, and private vehicles, "parked" right smack in the middle of the pedestrian lane, impeding everyone else's progress. It was hot, polluted, and noisy -- enough to make one crazy. But then I told myself, if I can not be part of the solution, at least, I will not be part of the problem. I will follow the rule of law, even if no one else does anymore. And so I waited for the little green man (go signal for pedestrians) to give me the cue to cross. Believe me, no else was bothering with that. And those lights, I imagine, did not come cheap. I wondered how much kickback came with the installation of that device. One minute quickly turned to two. Then five. Remember, it was a little past ...

Maybe it’s all the TV contests that ask the simplest questions. It has become so bad, that the ads for all these little contests even show the answer on the sample format that you have to send via text.  “Who is the national hero of the Philippines?” send your answer by texting “Your name <space> Jose Rizal” to 299. We have set the bar so low we don’t even expect Filipinos to know who our national hero is anymore. I am pretty sure someone actually texted “Manny Pacquiao” for an answer. And even worse, “Your name”. One time, a young boy of maybe 14 knocked on my door. He was selling longganisa that his mom must’ve made. I really don’t buy longganisa from less than reliable sources, but something about the boy told me that he really needed the money for him to continue on with school or something really important like that. It was close to June, so yeah, maybe it was school. And anyway, the longganisa was a bargain at 110 pesos a kilo. “Give me half a kilo. I want...

It is only because I love San Miguel Pale Pilsen too much, and I do not want it to suffer the same fate as my other love, Winston Reds, that I am doing this for free. If someone can get the word out, and pass the message to the people at McCann Erickson (are they still handling San Miguel?), please do so. Product positioning. I heard that San Miguel Pale Pilsen has been suffering in sales in recent years. The reason why it is getting harder and harder to find it in the cheaper carinderia cum restobars (my favorite hangout). The younger consumers think San Miguel Pale Pilsen is "daddy's beer". That McCann would "idiotly" (if that is even an adverb) continue with the "isang platitong mani" ads, which is Bay Elorde vintage, does not help. What are you thinking? The joke was funny the first few times. It is no longer funny now. Come up with new material. You are not getting paid to just re-state the same thing over and over again. My take on ...

I had all my IDs stolen last Friday, including my ATM and driver's license. Started the process of getting  my life online just this Monday. Borrowed some cash from my boss, and started applying for a new license. I got my driver's license (with better picture, lol) this morning. Went straight to BPI and their teller tells me I will get my replacement ATM by Monday. Alright, I lost 1 week and maybe 10-12 thousand pesos all in all. Not bad. It could've been much  much worse. I just love it when the people who are supposed to serve you actually do serve you. So thank you Land Transportation Office (Sucat Branch) and Bank of the Philippine Islands. Thank you for your efficient and hassle free service.

I get pissed. It’s bad enough that these fools would speak English with a pretentious American twang, but must they also ruin Tagalog the same affected manner? They must be misinformed, and I am correcting the misimpression right here right now, mangling Tagalog does not add anything to your cuteness quotient, on the contrary.  I can understand of course, if you work in the call-center business, but otherwise, a pretentious accent only goes to show that you are pretentious. And even if you are a call-boy or a call-girl, please keep the American accent to American English. Lay off Tagalog, please. In fairness to the Filipino accent, we mostly mispronounce words only because we know how to spell it. We are completely literate even when we err. I am guilty of “ayroning” clothes once in a while myself. I get so pissed sometimes that it has to come to the point that I have to interrupt production meetings just to press the point, “Yes I will do just that, but first you must s...

No, the mungo conspiracy blog did not suddenly become a fashion review blog. I am not hawking those pair of jeans you see above. Though I wouldn't mind selling it to the highest bidder. Notice the backpockets? That is not the latest in fashion trends. I was attacked! Yes, by the mafia, I believe. Coming home after presiding over the first annual mungo conspirators' meeting, and my pants and even my cellphone pouch got slashed. Lost my cellphone, my wallet, all my IDs, my ATM, my debit card, and some cash. It is an attempt, no doubt, to silence us once and for all. Do not worry, I got home uninjured and otherwise I am just fine. And I am not at all afraid. This will not be the end of our crusade. On behalf of all the mungo conspirators, I therefore here now announce our resolutions: 1. Mungo shall remain a staple of our diets, but will now only be consumed and purchased on any day of the week except Fridays. This shall be the cornerstone of our efforts and as such is n...

Where did these bus drivers learn to drive? And no, that is not a rhetorical question.  Last time I checked, there are no bus-driving schools anywhere in the country. And you need a professional license restriction 6 at least to drive those mothers. The only logical answer is that they first tried it out on the streets along with all of us.  Have you ever seen a student bus driver with a licensed instructor riding shotgun? No? So they did it, no instructors, beside you in EDSA.  No wonder these maniacs drive the way they do. They are all unschooled amateurs. I say, arrest them all, guilty after the fact. And oh, those jeepneys, ever see one with a working speedometer? Impound them all.

Nasira ba ang araw mo dahil kaninang umaga sa pagpasok mo eh nahirapan ka na namang sumakay ng jeep? Kasi Lunes nga pala ngayon, talagang agawan, tulakan at sisksikan ang sasabakin mo kahit ala sais pa lang ng umaga. Nung nakasakay ka na, trapik naman ang papatay sa oras mo. Namputsa, pagdukot mo sa bulsa wala ka palang barya. Katakut-takot na mura at kantyaw ang natanggap mo dahil nalugi ang drayber ng dalawang piso. Kahit wala pa sa EDSA bumaba ka na lang kaysa mapa-away ka pa. Dahil sa inis mo na rin naisipan mong magtaksi na lang. Sa loob-loob mo tutal ngayon lang naman. Pag para mo ng taksi, huminto ang taksi pero hindi pinto ang binuksan.... bintana. “Boss, saan kayo?” “Sa Merville, malapit sa....” biglang patakbo ng drayber habang umiiling at kumakaway. Tang ‘na talaga. Sige para uli. Yung sumunod na taksi pag bukas nung bintana madali mong inangat yung lock sabay bukas ng pinto at sakay ka agad. Medyo masama yata ang loob nung drayber pero nakaupo ka na. Sa kalagitnaan ...

Alas sais y media ng gabi, mayroong konting ambon at tila nagbabadya ang pagbuhos ng malakas na ulan ng sa wakas ay nakarating rin ako sa pila ng tricycle sa aming lugar.Tatlong sabit din sa jeep bago ako umabot dito. Kinapa ko ang natitirang barya sa aking bulsa, ngunit kulang pa, kulang pa ng piso para sa pamasahe sa tricycle. Imbes na maki-usap ay mas ninais ko pang maglakad na lang. Ayos lang. Malapit lang naman. Wag lang sana ako abutan ng ulan.  Pagdating sa bahay ay dere-derecho ako sa kusina at dun naghalungkag ng mga kaldero sa paghahanap ng makakain. Mula sa kanyang silid, narinig ko ang tinig ng aking ina. Pero hindi ko ito pinansin. "Ano ka ba Bitoy?" sambit ni inang paglabas ng kanyang silid. "Ang sabi ko ang hapunan mo ay nandito lang, pinagtabi na kita." Inabot ko ang plato ng kanin at ulam at sabay, pilit itago ang pagka-inis, "Inang, sabi namang Berto na ang itawag nyo sa akin, hindi na ako batang paslit. Hindi na ako Bitoy." ...

I was just checking the analytics of my Nuffnang account to check and see what keyword  combination people use to access this blog. No big surprise "mungo conspiracy" is number  one. Coming in second was "mungo mafia". No problem, I guess that is easier to type. But  when I checked google with "mungo mafia" as my keywords, lo and behold, and the truth  revealed itself, the mungo mafia is alive and well and operating internationally! Who would've thought? So who's crazy now, huh?  

Vanity plates, I really do not get. Congratulations JEF, you own that car! Now get out of my face. I mean, what’s going on in the heads of these people? Did we need convincing that he actually owned that car? Maybe I am just naive, but I’ve always assumed that if you are driving a private vehicle that you must own it or at least know the person who owns it. Oh, you just want to be unique? But I thought all plates are unique? Or maybe you just want to label it so that noone can  claim it as their own? Trust me Jeff,  as far as anti-theft devices go, vanity plates must be the worst idea in the history of bad ideas.  But it’s a step-up, I must admit, from Mang Pandoy proudly branding the back of his owner jeep, “Property of dela Cruz Family”. Not much of step-up, but a step up. I mean, really, you have a better car, you’ve employed a better branding technique, but you’ve just announced proudly to the whole world the same backward mentality. If you are going to bra...

And good riddance! And welcome back, I should say, to the real world of mortal men and women, a world where  you no longer have the power to appoint a plush government position to anyone who sucks up to your fake teats.  Expect no more kind words from manicuristas from here on in, unless of course you tip them, this time, from your own pocket. Maybe now is the time I can tell you how your Assumptionista sisters talked of you in hushed whispers behind your back. They  are all too embarrassed by the association to you. Oh, except for that one who so gallantly guided you in the  tricky dance steps you performed so well during your reunion. Of course, that she would become  assistant-secretary under your administration has nothing to do with that, notwithstanding the fact she's more qualified to teach  aerobics. She was the one who sucked up to you. And so therefore, she was more than qualified. This was how it  worked in your glorious presi...

From fast food joints  Can you please stop suggesting? I ordered number 3. If I want to upsize my drinks and/or fries I am going to tell you. I am not a moron. I can read. And I know what I want. I’ve been here before. From Mang Inasal I am glad you invested on the nice TV screens. I am just hoping you would play something else other than your own plugs, over and over again. Come on! We are already in your store eating. We’re sold.  From the local boxing coverage Alright, I am not even going to touch the number of commercials. You have the right to earn profit. That’s fine. But can you please not have Quinito Henson or some other joker pretend they actually know boxing? The man is an idiot. You are not fooling anyone people. If you cannot have Nonito Donaire (because he is the one fighting) or someone else who actually knows boxing, then please just hitch your audio cable into the HBO commentaries.  From Dianne Castillejo  Can you please stop c...

“Thank you Globe for your efficient service.” this is how I began my text message to Globe’s customer service (211). I am hoping that since it is the first few words that appear as a snippet (even before you open the entire message), the customer service person on the other side of the great digital chasm will actually give my text message a once over. And I continued, “I've been trying to register SuperSurf50 since 8:00 am. It is now 4:00 pm. I've literally tried no less than 100 times. Hindi pa rin ma-process ang aking request. Anaknang... ang galing nyo talaga. Thank you ha?” I wanted to be a little more brutal than that. Throw my weight around a little. I am a blogger gadamnit! I am the Main Mungo Conspirator, don’t you know that?  But as I have earlier checked in a net café my current standing in Topblogs, I find that “Chorva” has once again overtaken me and “Mungo Conspiracy” is once again languishing ranked 66th in the middle of page 2 of Topblogs’ humor listing...

Manilatonight.com has seen the light and is all-out in support of our war against the mungo mafia! Our ad now appears (free of charge) right beside kuusamospa, adults' choice of the year for both 2008 and 2009, and hoping to three-peat this year!  Take heart conspirators, this is just the first step in our fight to seek justice. We have crossed the Rubicon, fired the first volley across the bow, plus one more inspiring cliché to be inserted here later. The days will be long, and the nights will be cold, but our resolve will never be diminished. And in the spirit of our neighbors in ad placement, we shall never ever falter, not until we have achieved our very own happy ending. The numbers according to Nuffnang Analytics one day after the ad placement on MTC

I miss 30 peso beers at the Wan Wan resto-bar across the street. The cheap sizzling sisig and the mystery omelet made from god-knows-what ingredients. It was always an easy exercise in creativity to find a good excuse to end the day early on Fridays. And to ensure that we don’t drink too much or tarry too long, I miss that we’ve made an agreement to only stay until someone sings “My Way” on the karaoke machine. Had we stuck to this rule strictly, we would’ve never stayed later than eight pm. I miss that we could always ignore the rule whenever we just had to finish off the discussion on yet another crazy client demand. I miss the urgency of it all. I miss “fire escapes”. The term that we, the writers, have lovingly invented for the many cigarette breaks we take by the emergency exit -- the one sacred sanctuary that means a momentary escape from the drudgery of writing yet another kart racing segment. One can only write “and it went round and round and round” so much, after al...

Thankfully, it’s not all bad news on the homefront. Credit must be given to the few that deserve it. We are not all crabheads, some people actually lead. Take Joey Concepcion and his advocacy, Go Negosyo! Joey is successful and confident enough that he can afford to encourage potential competition. I am sure no one would be happier if any one of his disciples would become so successful that it would even challenge his own business empire. This is the hallmark of true success. When you are that successful you don’t even worry about the competition anymore. Look at Meralco, if you can monopolize your market like that, you might even need to advertise calling on consumers to use less of your product. Inspired, my brother and I are working on a business idea of our own. We are thinking we could commercially market his wife’s delicious puto pao. It’s not the regular rice bread stuffed with meat, mind you. It is the quintessential adobo for stuffing accentuated by the local lu...

I used to be tall. And by “used to” I don’t mean to imply that I have shrunk. I am still five feet nine inches tall. Five feet nine inches used to be tall. Today, a quick stroll through SM reveals that I am now, at best, average. So what happened? These kids nowadays are huge! Manila Water, in a desperate attempt to manufacture the first Pinoy NBA baller added something new in the water perhaps? As I order my 14 year old nephew his favorite 2 piece chicken with extra rice, bewildered at his almost 6 foot frame (the kid is 14 for crying out loud!), I suddenly realized, it is not the water. The answer was staring me in the face. These chickens are 40 days hatched from the egg straight to the slaughterhouse, grown at the most efficient industrial pace possible. How do they do it? The same way they’ve made the 10 second barrier no longer a barrier in the 100 meter Olympic sprint, I imagine. Ten seconds used to be an unbreakable mark. Today, anything slower than that and ...